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Have I got some crack for you...
The Empire Strikes Back for Dummies 
16th-Sep-2007 05:19 pm
Ewan - Facepalm
Hello and welcome back to Star Wars For Dummies. On today's schedule: Episode 5: The Empire Strikes Back aka Vader is obsessed.

Usual rules apply: I adore Star Wars and the following was not created out of disrespect. It's all good, clean fun, because of deep love and admiration. Also, I'm using the 2004 DVD Box Set for capping. As usual, all of this (esp. the small font) is my own weird interpretation. Reading between the lines, you know;)




Back in the galaxy far, far away. Luke, Leia and Han plus their Wookie and droid friends are hiding with other rebels on an icy planet. Things are still the same:


Mutual bitching as foreplay.


Luke gets himself in a peculiar situation and gets lost in the snow desert. He has a vision of Obi-Wan aka Ben, who tells him to go to some remote planet. Shortly after, Han comes to the rescue. Once our heroes are back together, more bitching between Han and Leia occurs. To make sure Han gets what she really wants, Leia pulls the old jealousy trick:


Han: "Uhm, threesome?"
C-3PO: "Can I join in?"



Okay, let's look what the Dark Side is up to:


Vader: "Hello, I am still around. And I am obsessed: I must find young Skywalker, for I am very angry with what he did. My beloved Death Star! All gone because of that kid :("


Vader is so affected, he lets his defenses down (Vader!Porn ahead):


Urgh.


Vader eventually finds out where our heroes are hiding and the gang has to flee. Han and Leia get out with the Millennium Falcon. More bitching and flirting occurs, until finally:


C-3PO: "Can I join in?"


Vader is pissed that young Skywalker got away again and decides to discuss further tactic with the evil Emperor.


Vader: "Hey boss. Young Skywalker got away again. I must find him."
Emperor: "You're getting yourself into quite an obsession there. But fine, find the little one, the Force is strong with him; he could be useful. And he's probably as dumb as Anakin was and will make the same mistakes."
Vader: "What exactly do you mean by 'dumb as Anakin'?"
Emperor: "Oh shit, was the transmitter still on? Gotta go."



Luke, however, never planned to meet up with his friends. He travels to the remote planet Obi-Wan aka Ben told him about. There's some powerful Jedi Master living there. But all Luke finds is a little green merchandise-ploy.


Luke: "Yo, I'm looking for very cool and wise Jedi master, you know where I can find him?"
Little green merchandise-ploy: "Knowing him I do. Taking you to him I will."
Luke: "Is it far?"
Little green merchandise-ploy: "Not far it is."
Luke: "You always got that syntax problem?"
Little green merchandise-ploy: "Secret I will tell you. If you speak the way I do, it makes you look important and a bit mysterious; also, people will automatically listen harder to understand what you have say."
Luke: "Clever."
Little green merchandise-ploy: "My trick. Steal you must not."



Little green merchandise-ploy takes Luke home. Luke finally gets a clue and realizes it's been Yoda all along.


Yoda: 'Insane Obi-Wan is. First a nine year old he wants to train, now sending me a twenty year old he is. What this is, Jedi for late bloomers, I wonder?'
Luke: "Bugger, it's so small in here, I feel like Gandalf in Hobbiton."
Yoda: "Bitchy as your father you are."
Luke: "OMG, you knew Daddy?"
Yoda: "Yeah, well, who didn't?"



Yoda teaches Luke all kind of cool Jedi tricks. Tricks require a lot of physical stunts.


Yoda: "Run faster you must. Reach the superstore we have to before special offers expire. Right here with me my shopping list I have. Carrying it all home you will."
Luke: "Obi-Wan never mention that part of the training."



Eventually, Luke has to face his fear and enters The Mysterious Cave ((c) by me). Inside The Mysterious Cave, he "meets" Vader, "fights" him and "chops his head off". Great Luke's mysery is when he discovers the head behind the Vader's mask...

...to be his own! Gee, everyone wonders what that could mean...


Han, Leia and the rest have meanwhile arrived in Cloud City. They are greeted by Han's old buddy Lando Calrissian, who is the reason most Orlando fanfic writers and readers (including me) get goosebumps of the worst kind if someone refers to Mr. Bloom as 'Lando. Urgh. This is Lando:


Lando: "Oh, pretty Princess. Welcome, thou beautiful creature."
Han: "Bugger off, my chick."
C-3PO: "Can I join in?"



The gang thinks they're safe in Cloud City, but alas! They don't know the Imperial troops have already arrived and Lando had to, well, betray them. So instead of hanging out in the clouds, Han gets a Meet 'n Greet with Vader. Who thinks that torturing the friends will be the best plan to attract Luke. Clever.


Vader: "Tell me where young Skywalker is."
Han: "Someone's got an obsession, someone's got an obsession!"
Vader: "I don't know what you're talking about, Solo."
Han: "Oh come on, it's the talk of the Galaxy already."
Vader: "Shut up." *tortures*
Han: "Nnnng."



Later, back in the cell:


Han: "Bad hair day. Sorry."
Leia: "Don't worry. You're still cute."


He is. But the lovers haven't got much time to get cozy, for Vader has come up with the evil plan. He has super-deep-carbon-freeze machine prepared for Luke, all it needs is a test run. And Han's just the man for the job. So it's bye Leia, hello deep freeze.


The most bittersweet kiss goodbye ever. *sniffs*



Lando: "Man, no matter what I do, Han's always cooler than me."


TWAFKAHS (the wall art formerly known as Han Solo) now belongs to bounty hunter Boba Fett (yes, little Boba from Epi 2 who had to watch his dad's head get chopped off). Boba will bring Han to Jabba The Hutt, whom Han still owes money. So kids: make sure to pay back in time. Getting Carbon freezed doesn't look like fun.



Meanwhile, on the remote planet with not many features other than an exclusive Jedi training camp, Luke senses his friends are in danger and wants to run.


Obi-Wan aka Ben: "Hello, sorry I'm late, afterlife can get freaking busy. What did I miss?"
Yoda: "Stop his training Luke wants. Help his friends he will. Not strong enough to face the Dark Side he is yet. Afraid he might turn I am."




Obi-Wan aka Ben: "OMG WTF NOT AGAIN!"


But Luke doesn't listen and goes anyway. Skywalkers: 2; Obi-Wan: 0. Life hard :|


And so it comes that Luke and Vader finally meet.


Vader: "There you are, at last. Hey, let me take a closer look at you."
Luke: "WTF, let go off me! Let's fight!"




Vader: "Wait a moment. That lightsaber looks very familiar. Did Obi-Wan give it to you?"
Luke: "Are we gonna fight now or what?"



They do. At some point, Vader chops Luke's hand off. Get it? His hand. Anyway, not only does Luke loose a hand, but also the lightsaber that said hand was still clinging to. Life very hard indeed.



Vader: "No hand, no weapon, hm, hm. Wanna join my side for a change?"
Luke: "Never. You killed my father."
Vader: "That what Obi-Wan told you?"
Luke: "Yes."
Vader: "Man, Obi-Wan. Gotta love him for his sense of humour alone. So, uhm, Luke, truth is: I am your father."




Luke: "Daddy?"



Luke: "No, scratch that... what I wanted to say was..."



Luke: "OMG WTF NOOOoooooooooooooooooooo!"
Vader: "You know it's true."
Luke: "But... how is that possible?"
Vader: "Well, you know, when a man and a woman really love each other..."
Luke: "La la, can't hear you, la la."




Vader: "Okay, listen for today's special offer. We'll take the Empire together, you, me and the Dark Side of the Force. I already got us letterheads reading Skywalker and Sons Empire Inc. Likey?"
Luke: "OMG." *jumps*



Luke lands on a stick sticking out of the bottom of Cloud City.

Luke: "Could somebody, like, pick me up? I've had a really shitty day."


Leia, Chewbacca, the droids and Lando, who turned good again, managed to flee in the meantime.


Leia: "I can't really explain how or why and can only hope that we'll get this sorted out in the next and final episode, but I somehow know where we can pick up Luke."


They do and offer Luke a seat in the Millennium Falcon, which he happily takes.



Vader, using The Force to communicate: "Uhm, junior?"



Luke: "Yes, Daddy?"
Vader: "I forgot to tell you that the Empire's offer has a limited warranty, so don't take too long and let me know."
Luke: "I already told you that I won't... hey, why didn't Ben tell me about you being my father?"
Obi-Wan aka Ben: *decides spontaneously not to appear in this episode anymore*



Finally, our heroes arrive at some hidden rebel base. Luke gets a new artificial hand and the audience gets a beautiful final shot sequence.



End of Episode 5.

Next up in Episode 5: Vader and Luke negotiate family business. Han's still the coolest guy around. Obi-Wan and Yoda both play dumb. And how many Skywalkers are there, exactly?



Feel free to link if you're inclined. As long as you DON'T HOTLINK. Thank you.
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