You are viewing lg_crack

Have I got some crack for you...
A New Hope for Dummies 
16th-Sep-2007 05:16 pm
1R - Ryan Looking up
Hello and welcome back to Star Wars For Dummies. If you've been around all along, hello again. If you skipped the Epi 3 recap, welcome back. If you skipped all Prequel recaps to start here, welcome, I will try to spoil you not too much, although I'm doing these in chronological order just because it's fun and I can;) However, please note that this part - Episode 4: A New Hope aka Hey, don't I know you? - and the two following were all the audience got and knew until 1999. In other words: nothing of the Skywalker's weird family relations was known back then.

Disclaimer/Note: I adore Star Wars and the following was not created out of disrespect. It's all good, clean fun, because of deep love and admiration. Also, I'm using the 2004 DVD Box Set for capping. As usual, all of this (esp. the small font) is my own weird interpretation. Reading between the lines, you know;)




A long time ago in our beloved galaxy far, far away. Actually, it's been 20 years since we last met our heroes. Or what's left of them. Or the fallen heroes, like Darth Vader.


Vader: "Life still busy. But celebration for 20 years of Empire is coming up, so, yay!"

As you can see, Darth Vader is still busy doing all kind of evil things. For example: putting finishing touches on the DEATH STAR (a weapon of mass destruction that can destroy whole planets with one shot only - don't ask me why it's got to be written in caps), hunt down rebels who dare to fight the evil Empire and so on. Darth just got lucky and captured a rebel ship with one princess Leia Organa on board. What he doesn't know is that said princess managed to smuggle out the DEATH STAR's construction plans with two droids before she got captured.



Meanwhile on Tattoine... meet young Luke Skywalker:

Luke is a farmboy and lives with his Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen. In his free time, Luke likes to repair droids and fly/drive, for he is a very good pilot. Sounds familiar? Oh well. Luke also has a certain temper, fed by two main reasons:
1) His Uncle Owen says he needs a hand with the farm and won't let him go to become a pilot (you can't blame Luke for wanting to get away from a planet where the only highlight is the binary sunset, even that gets boring after a while)
2) Nobody really tells him what happened to his father.

One day, Luke's uncle buys two droids. Hey, we know the guys: C-3PO and R2D2. They don't know about ever having been on Tattoine, but well. Probably got their memory erased, you know how fast a wrong format:c can happen. While cleaning R2, Luke finds weird message of pretty Princess asking for some Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Luke: "Yo, uncle, you know one Obi-Wan Kenobi?"
Uncle Owen: "No. Uhm, gotta go."


Luke then has great idea: he knows one Ben Kenobi, an old hippie in the mountains. Luke follows R2, who got a clue way faster and eventually meets Ben.

Luke: "Yo, old man in the mountains who goes by the name of Ben Kenobi, you're not related to Obi-Wan, are you? Please advise, kthx."

Obi-Wan: "Uhm."

Ben finally declares his true identity ("haha, guess what, I am Obi-Wan") and takes Luke home with him. He could never resist a young Skywalker. At home, Obi-Wan aka Ben gives Luke a present.


Ben: This was your father's lightsaber. I took it He wanted you to have it."
Luke: "OMG, you knew Daddy? Pray, tell!"
Obi-Wan aka Ben: "Uhm... well, he was a really cool Jedi and got killed by a former pupil of mine, a bad guy named Darth Vader."
Luke: "Life hard."
Obi-Wan aka Ben: "No shit."


So Luke now thinks his father was this really awesome hero. As does anyone else who watches this movie for the first time. A general Michael-Novotny-syndrome, I say.

Uhm. Back to the story: Obi-Wan aka Ben watches the message intended for him. He learns that plans for the DEATH STAR are hidden inside R2 and that he must bring the droid to the Princess' home planet. Luke declines to go with him at first, because, you know, farmboy duties call. When he finds his uncle and aunt murdered by the Empire's evil Stormtroopers (a newer model of the Clone troopers we first met in Episode 2), he changes his mind.

Luke: "Yo, Kenobi, I know want to become a powerful Jedi like my father. Help me?"
Obi-Wan aka Ben: 'A young Skywalker to train. Must not fuck this up again. Must not fuck this up again.'


What they need is a spaceship and a pilot. Enter Han Solo, a ruthless, greedy, full of himself and scruffy smuggler, in short: a man to die for, OMG.



Han (with co pilot Chewbacca) praises his own genius.



Obi-Wan aka Ben and Luke aren't that much impressed. Well, maybe Luke is. A little bit.


They make a deal. Han has a new job (he needs one, for he's owing some really nasty creatures money); Obi-Wan aka Ben and Luke have a ship: The Millennium Falcon.

I have this baby as a 3D-puzzle, btw. Just another notch on my geekyness scale.

The gang begins their journey to pretty Princess' home planet. Obi-Wan aka Ben uses the free time to give Luke his first Jedi lessons.


Obi-Wan aka Ben: "Use the force, young Skywalker."
Han: "Gee, I can't hear that sentence anymore. Don't you have anything else to say?"
Obi-Wan aka Ben: "Sorry. Old habits die hard."
Luke: "Man, I begin to feel the Force! Really cool."
Obi-Wan aka Ben: "Phew."



What they don't know: pretty Princess is in deep trouble.

Really evil looking guy aka Grand Moff Tarkin: "Princess, tell us where the rebels hide or we will destroy your home planet"
Princess Leia: *tells*
Moff Tarkin: "Nice, but I'll destroy your planet anyway."
Leia: "OMG, you're evil."
Moff Tarkin: "No shit."
Vader: 'Hm, the first woman I see since... well, her. And this one's just as bitchy. Urgh, women are all the same.'



The gang of heroes-to-be arrives at the destination only to find Priness' home planet to be destroyed. As if that wasn't enough, they're sucked onto the DEATH STAR and are forced to land there. Uh oh. But because they are very clever, they manage to outdo the evil but stupid Stormtoopers and even nick some uniforms not to raise any attention. They then split up: Obi-Wan aka Ben wanders off to destroy the tractor beam that binds the Millennium Falcom to the DEATH STAR, while Han, Luke and Chewie want to free Princess Leia. They all succeed.


Leia: "Hello, I am the princess."
Han: "Hello sweet thang, I am the naughty hunk."
Leia: "I hate you."
Han: "You, too."
Leia 'God, he's hot.'
Han: 'What a chick.'
Luke: "Can we, like, move on?"



Everyone tries to get back to the ship. Obi-Wan aka Ben meets an old, uhm, someone.


Obi-Wan aka Ben: "OMG, is that you, An... Vader."



Vader: "Hello, hello. Long time, no see. You aged well."
Obi-Wan aka Ben: "You... still look the same. But hey, you got a shiny new lightsaber!
Vader: "That's because someone stole my old one."
Obi-Wan aka Ben: "Uhm."
Vader: "Enough talking. Let's fight."



They do, until Vader breathes hard. Oh wait, he always does. Anyway. Their fight turns out to be quite the crowd pleaser.



The gang uses the moment to get to the ship. Obi-Wan aka Ben senses Luke is almost safe.


Vader: "I will kill you now, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan aka Ben: "Hehe. You think you know, but you don't know. You know?



Vader: "WTF. You still don't take me seriously enough. Take this!"


Vader strikes Obi-Wan aka Ben, who suddenly stopped fighting and just let it happen.




And then, he's gone. All that's left is:

his coat and weapon.


Luke gets his very own "OMG WTF Noooooooooooo"-moment:

Luke: "OMG WTF Nooooooooooooo!"
Obi-Wan aka Ben: "Hello, hello, you can't see me but I'm still here for I have very special Jedi power, so move your ass and get the fuck away NOW."




Vader: "I wonder if killing Obi-Wan was such a good idea, after all. Well, life hard."


The gang manages to escape and finally, the rebels get the construction plans for the DEATH STAR. Everybody gets ready to attack. Well, almost everybody.



Luke: "What, you're leaving? We have to fight."
Han: "Sorry, gotta go."
Luke: "But you must help and do good."
Han: "I don't think so. Bye."
Luke *sobs*



The rebel fighters attack the DEATH STAR. They must drop a bomb onto one very special place to destroy the evil planet. Here's one rebel pilot:


Meet Wedge Antilles aka actor Dennis Lawson aka uncle of one Ewan McGregor. Yes, it's such a small world.


The rebel fighters are good and destroy some of the Empire's fighters. Vader is not amused and decides to mix things up a bit.


Vader: "As usual, I myself have to make things work. Idiots.


And suddenly, Luke is the only pilot left, fot all others are killed/injured.

He's kinda freaked out.

And then, he gets unexpected help:


Han: "Yeeha! Man, I love big entrances."

Han's sudden appearance somehow makes an Imperial fighter lose balance and tumble against Vader's ship. Vader's ship gets kicked out into space.

Vader: "Bugger. Fighting will be over until I'm back."

He's right. With the help of Obi-Wan aka Ben's instructions and The Force, Luke drops the bomb off on the right spot and the DEATH STAR explodes. Ta da!



Everybody's happy. But for how long OMG?

End of Episode 4.

Next up in Episode 5: Vader is really pissed about the latest events and decides to hunt down our new heroes. Meanwhile, Luke gets some more Jedi training and eventually finds out more about his twisted family. Uh oh.



Feel free to link if you're inclined. As long as you DON'T HOTLINK. Thank you.
This page was loaded Sep 1st 2014, 1:34 pm GMT.